You smell like stripper and shame
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
