dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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