you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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