I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
we're so committed to being not committed
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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