The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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