are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
