u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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