Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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