someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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