I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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