I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
