Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
