i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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