I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize