I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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