the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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