dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
