spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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