he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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