Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize