as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
