My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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