I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
