Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
