Just fell off a train. Bad.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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