I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's official drugs can't kill me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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