dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize