I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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