He uses pillows to masturbate.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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