I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
