i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
