Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
