i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize