I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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