I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
