i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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