It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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