if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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