haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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