how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
