god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize