She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
