East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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