I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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