The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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