3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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