It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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