Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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