whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I died a long time ago.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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