My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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