I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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