im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
