Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
