I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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