wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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