Can i not drive my cunt home
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
