You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
