After last night, I could never be a politician.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize