want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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