i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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