i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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