Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
