ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
