Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
