why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
